A staggering 65 percent of women experience some form of sexual abuse in their lifetime. This week, Katie Wise opens a 3-part Mother’s Advocate series about survivors of abuse giving birth. She courageously shares her personal story and insights for other women who’ve survived, and for the people who care for them.
There is a club that no one wants to join. Yet, more than half of all women will join this club at some point in their lives. There is no mark, no mascot, and no handshake. In fact, you could be standing next to another member and never know it. But every once in a while, in the right setting, a woman tells another woman her story. And then there is the knowing moment, the held eye contact, the smile to say, “I know, I’m a member too.” The members of this club are sexual abuse survivors. Every member’s story is different, but one thing is the same. You cannot turn in this membership card. This story is now part of your life.
Somewhere along the way, survivors miraculously open their hearts (and bodies) again —to love, to partnership, and sometimes to pregnancy. For many sexual abuse survivors, preparing to give birth is a moment of truth. Their healing is about to be put to the test. A full-grown newborn baby is going to come through their body, through their pelvis, and through their most sacred places, to make its way into the world. This shy, sexual place — with all its hurts, secrets and stories — is about to be turned inside out, opened to a profound, chosen violation. I use the word violation here for a reason. Our baby is not truly “violating” us, but I can think of few things in life that provide such an intense opening, tearing, out of control feeling as birth. And for members of the club, birth can easily trigger the feeling of violation.
I am a member of this club.
My story is unimportant here — better than some, worse than others — a story of being manipulated, being controlled, and having my body used by someone else without my permission. By the time I was pregnant, I felt I had done my due diligence on my story. I had packaged it up in some deep closet of my being — safe, sound, sleeping. I had supported other survivors giving birth as a doula, and knew all about the questions to ask them. I would make sure they had talked to their partner, their care provider, and anyone else who would be at the birth. I helped them identify potential triggers, and ways to cope if things came up. I, however, had done none of this for myself. During my own pregnancy, my story seemed far from my mind.
I did notice, however, that I was preoccupied with avoiding a cesarean birth. Having seen 130 births before having my own, I knew this was common. Most women feel strongly about avoiding a cesarean. I also knew this fear could be a barrier in my birth process. With a keen guide and the powerful tool of art therapy, I was able to dive deeper. Near the end of a session one day, we decided to tackle my fear of cesarean birth. Having supported other women, I knew the play-by-play and setting exactly. I carefully drew the details: the blue sterile drape, the medical instruments, my arms strapped to the table with restraints, doctors in masks. My therapist then gently pressed me to look closely.
“What about this image is the most scary for you?”
And there it was … the restraints. More than the incision, more than the blood, the anesthesia, the scalpel — it was the restraints. And like a time traveler, I was thrown back to another time and place — my wrists bound, my scared naked body, and the eyes of my perpetrator looking cold and devious. A flood of tears erupted, and suddenly I remembered: I was a survivor.
I needed to treat myself as I would my clients — with care, gentleness and awareness. In that moment, I was waking up to what it meant to be a survivor giving birth. This was a time for opening to the softness, the feminine, the mystery, and the hurt inside of my core as a woman. Needless to say, our session went a little over. When the tears subsided, we returned to the art, to the image — adding light, adding God, taking the masks off the doctors, and giving them humanity. Taking one hand out of the restraints, and adding last, but not least, the miracle of the day — the baby. My baby.
As I walked home that day, I knew that I was healing. By looking the dragon in the face, I felt my whole being soften. I knew I would no longer need a cesarean birth, or any other specific birth outcome to teach me something. Nor would my fears cause my body to shut down. And I knew if a cesarean birth was what my baby truly needed, that I could meet it with grace and consciousness.
I also knew I had a lot of work to do.
I needed to talk to my care providers and my husband about my past, and more specifically about how it might affect my present. Perhaps the most important thing we can do as survivors preparing to give birth is to tell our story. Working with a midwife or a very compassionate doctor who will take the time to listen is especially important for survivors. You may choose to have your partner join you for the conversation and focus on the facts: “I’d like you to know this about me. You don’t have to fix anything, but here are some things that I need you to do. Tell me before you do anything physically to my body, so I can be prepared for what to expect. Avoid the following words: ‘Trust me,’ ‘relax,’ etc.” If you are closer to your care provider, you might choose to really let them into your story, to open yourself to their healing words and experience.
If there are certain words that your perpetrator used, advise everyone who will be at your birth to avoid those words. If you’d like to avoid unnecessary vaginal exams, communicate that. If you need to have one hand free from the restraints in a cesarean birth, put that in your paperwork. With preparation, compassion and communication, your birth can be a profound place of finding your voice — and speaking up for that little girl or young woman inside of you.
Next, I explored the differences between abuse and birth.
If birth could feel like a violation, how would I tell my body that this was different — that there was a purpose? I looked at the differences.
Permission: I will be choosing to allow this baby to spread my pelvic bones wide, as I welcome him into my arms.
Love: This baby was created from an act of love, as is giving birth.
Protection: The people around me, as opposed to my perpetrator, are there to protect and support me.
Power: I will give birth. I will actively work with my baby to create a miracle. Very different, indeed.
I am happy to say that when I did give birth — although it was not easy — it was not violating. And although I felt forces much bigger than me at work, I never felt out of control. In contrast to what I feared, the moment of pushing and helping my baby navigate my pelvis was the most powerful moment of the whole experience. As my baby pressed into the walls of my being, pressing impossibly wider with every push, the old story seemed to be forced right out with him. There was no room for the story of a small, voiceless victim. A new story was being written, cell by glorious cell. This part of my body was a place of power, of divine strength. This was a place where miracles happened. This was a home, the beginning of another person’s life. This small, perfect boy was remapping the way for me, showing me what femininity was all about. He was teaching me about trust. He was showing me that I could be violated, could give way, could tear in two — all in a glorious celebration of life.
Through this act of love, I deepened my healing.
After the birth, the small tear healed, the bleeding stopped, and I was new. Something had shifted — so powerfully that I knew my membership status had changed. Of course, I was still a member. I always will be. But I could feel that the shame was gone, and in its place was a desire to help others find this “reset.” I wanted to help other survivors approach their births as more than just an ordeal to manage, more than the avoidance of their triggers. I wanted to help other survivors realize that birth is an opportunity to dismantle the entire trigger itself. And as I held my perfect little man in my arms — both of us tired and weeping — I wanted to thank him, over and over again, for showing me love, for showing me my strength, and for being part of my healing.
Katie Wise is a doula, childbirth educator and birth advocate, as well as the owner and founder of Yo Mama Yoga and Family Centers. Her work and writing have been featured in “Whole Life Times,” “Yogi Times,” “Los Angeles Daily News,” “Special Delivery,” the “Boulder Daily Camera,” and on NPR. Katie believes that women’s bodies have the wisdom to give birth. Her purpose in supporting and educating pregnant women is to uncover and foster that instinct and faith. Katie is also the host of the Mother’s Advocate “Healthy Birth Your Way: 6 Steps to a Safer Birth” video series. Please visit Katie’s site to read her blog or find more information.
I am not a member but plan to learn as much as I can about how to help survivors of sexual abuse through pregnancy, labor and birth. Thank you for this post and I will be following future posts in this series.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Emily – Anthro Doula, Mother's Advocate. Mother's Advocate said: Today, our blog begins a series about giving birth after sexual abuse. Katie Wise shares her story & provides support: http://ht.ly/3vKJP […]
as a survivor and a doula, thank you so much for this article… it reframed things for me and reaffirmed those things that i already incorporate into my practice…
Really beautiful and uplifting.
As a member: Thank you.
As a Doula: Thank you.
As a mother: Thank you.
The truth is hard to let out, but it is always there. More women need to know that they are not alone.
Thank you for the kind and open responses to this post. You are all so very welcome. It was an emotional journey writing this, and knowing that it would be widely read. It is wonderful to see the impact. There is so much power in sharing our stories. And yes, we are definitely not alone.
thank you. For sharing and for reminding that this isn’t something I can just put away as I prepare for upcoming birth of my baby. Thank you.
I’m a survivor… and a mother, and I can echo much of what you wrote here. I was blessed with an amazing midwife for my first child who asked the question that the dr back up never did… are you a survivor? I know she helped me make that passage, and make my son’s birth my own rebirth, and I am so very thankful to her, even today, 14 years and many more births later.
As a member of the club (I was sexually abused by a doctor) you can imagine that the thought of giving birth with a doctor was unimaginable to me.
I had done my healing (I thought), only to be reabused when I unfortunately had to transfer to the hospital during my intended home birth.
The healing from the birth rape has still not occurred 6 years later.
Sometimes there is no way to avoid abuse in a hospital…resources would be greatly appreciated as part of this series.
You are so welcome Cristina. I have found, both for myself, and my clients, that it is far more effective to bring it out in the open during pregnancy, than to “put it away” as you said, and have it surprise you during birth. I am excited for you that you have this opportunity for a new level of healing. I hope you have a caring team of people around you to facilitate your birth. I wish you the best, and please feel free to email me if you want to talk further.
Thank you Monica, for sharing, and I’m so happy to hear that your midwife took the time to help you through your journey. I would love it if all care providers knew to ask that question. Congratulations on your triumph.
As a 26 year old member and mother of two gorgeous children, thank you. I’m comforted yet disheartened knowing there are so many members. It has been almost 11 years since I got my membership card. I think being related to the men that made me a member made it a little tougher for me. It took six years (and a lot of therapy) before I let any other man touch me. I was with one man after another, reliving the experience each time. My saving grace came into my life four years ago. I knew he was different than any other man I knew. He made me feel safe.
I still have flashbacks but they are getting better. I just want to be done healing. What do I tell my children when they get older and ask why mommy won’t let them see grandpa?
I too am a member and had 3 hospital births attended by female Doctors and then a wonderful homebirth with my fourth. Then my fifth ended up also being my sixth! Due to twins I was required to birth in the hospital and required to have an OB. He dismissed my past abuse and said it had nothing to do with birth. Then he said there would be female residents anyways. I did have my mid-wives for labour support, but they were not allowed to step in after my babies were born & blood clots were being manually & aggressively removed from my uterus. I was raped all over again. I was yelling, “Please stop, you are hurting me. You just need to use more gel please. Stop, you are really hurting me. NO I am not just feeling sensation, I am feeling pain.” This was repeated over & over again. The nurse kept trying to give the female resident more gel & she refused. I ended up with damage to my cervix, to the nerves in my vagina & on my vulva as well as my ureter. I was in so much pain. The babies were not as big as some of my previous children so it was not contributed to their actual birth. I was in severe pain for months after the birth. I was having flash back to the Dr. rape, but also to the other rapes in my past. I started therapy when I had a very severe flash back after seeing an unpleasant scene in a movie. It wasn’t even very graphic. When my 7th was born peacefully at home with the mid-wives I had a chance to be respected, mind, body & soul. However, I will never forget what happened to me at the hands (literally) of a Dr. in a hospital. My daughter was going to have a hospital birth, but did end up choosing to have a home-birth. My grandson was born in the same bed as my son. I was there for every moment. I was given the opportunity to “catch” my grandson, but knew my daughter REALLY wanted good pictures & she wanted to be the first one to touch him & I did not want to take that away from her. Instead I graciously cut the umbilical cord. I have also been a doula for friends and my daughter and what a privilege it is to witness the power of a woman from the other side! I was the first person one of the babies saw! All of my children (even my youngest was at the birth of one of his best friends when he was 4 mos. old) have attended at least one birth. One even was at a birth on her own birthday. Birth is an amazing experience with the gift of our children. Also past abuse not only may affect birth, but breastfeeding as well. I have supported many women through their struggles. I think that I was able to help even more as someone who had also had the experience of abuse.
This undoubtedly will help transform women’s experience of pregnancy and birth. THANK YOU.
I am so sorry to hear of your experiences, Harmed. I can only imagine the deep pain that you have felt. It is my hope that we can bring more awareness to care providers of the sacred and powerful role that they play in the birth process. I hope that you can find peace and support in your healing. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you find resources.
That is my hope. Thank you for reading!
Thank you for sharing this. We’re all strengthened by every survivor who shares her experience. It gives a voice to the millions in the club and makes us all more aware, more empathetic sisters and friends.
[…] of sexual trauma and then an empowering birth despite her deep rooted fears and anxieties. I encourage you to read her words- whether you are a surviver yourself or […]
Thank you for sharing your story Katie.
How brave of you and what a gift to others who will change their birthing experience because of you.
With Love!
Carla
Thank you for this article… I’m not a member myself but some of my friends are.
But I have still one question regarding a specific detail:
“(…) my arms strapped to the table with restraints (…)”
Why were your arms restrained during the operation??
I cannot think of any medical reasons why this was done.
Katie,
My love. I just learned something so sacred about you that makes me love you even more than before. Thank you for having the courage to put your words, your heart, and your soul out there in the world to help others through their personal journey of motherhood that provides such a space for the deepest beauty and the darkest shadows to be revealed.
Much love,
Gretchen Reid
Motherhood Transitions
[…] why we want you to read these two blog posts today. They are about ways to make it through: I Will Survive (Thoughts on Survivors Giving Birth) and Suffering PPD? Announcing Postpartum Progress’ Daily […]
Catherine-
I am new to this site but felt compelled to respond to you. I am a member as well. First of all, I am so glad that you have a found a loving and safe man to have a family with.
I respect your desire to protect your children (and yourself) from their grandfather. One suggestion I have is to tell them that their grandfather “does not treat people nicely” and that is why they cannot see him. Maybe when they are older you can choose to tell them your story, but I think as young children it is fine to just explain that he is not nice to people or “he is not nice to mommy”. They will learn from you that they do not have to be around people that are not nice, respectful, etc.
I hope others have suggestions….I am sure there are many in the same boat.
I think abuse within the family has to be one of the hardest to heal. I’m so sorry for your experience. It sounds like you have some tough discussions ahead of you, and decisions to make. I hope you have a good support network, and they can help you continue healing. If I have learned one thing, it’s that the healing is never “done,” as in packaged up and finished. But over time, you can get more and more freedom around it, and be more and more in relationship with the story. I hope you can use it to empower your children to find their voice and treat their bodies with sacred boundaries.
Thank you for your question, and to clarify: The operating table have something called armboards to support the moms arms. Since doctors need access to mama’s belly, her arms are placed at a ninety degree angle away from her body, resting on the armboards. It is pretty standard procedure (used in all of the cesarean births that I have supported) to use a wraparound arm restraint to keep mama’s arms in place. The restraint’s purpose is to keep mom’s arms in place, in case she had a funny reaction to the surgery or to the anesthesia. Certain things in a cesarean are up to the discretion of the anesthesiologist, so I suggest anyone who believes the restraints might be triggering for them have a conversation with their care providers, and potentially the hospital staff. It is my belief that at least one and perhaps both of the restraints could be left unfastened so that mama could feel less constricted. This information could be approved beforehand, and detailed in your Birth Preferences, written out and given to the hospital before you give birth. For those having their baby at home, you could have a discussion with your midwife about this, and she could advocate for you in the event of a transport resulting in a cesarean birth. I hope that makes it more clear!
Katie,
You are an amazing woman. Your work, your blog, your classes, and so many of your words impact women and birthing like I would never have thought possible of a single woman. Thank you dearly!
Thank you, Carla!
Thank you Chloe, your words mean a lot to me. You are so very welcome. It is my pleasure to have the opportunity to serve and impact so many pregnant women and new moms!
Katie,
Powerful post that is going to be saved and shared. Thank you for sharing your story. However, I have a question. Please hear it in the spirit it is intended, a gentle one genuinely desiring to care for and support the women with which I work. I try very hard to not make assumptions when I approach women – assumptions about how they will respond, what they will need, or how their past will impact their birth. I have had women who have appeared competent, capable, and entirely self-possessed but have come completely undone while birthing. I have also worked with women that appeared “fruity” outside the hospital but became powerhouses when pushing their baby out.
How do I have this conversation with very vulnerable, open to suggestion, pregnant women without filling their birth with fear? How do I tell them their their past might ambush them without making them afraid? I have never asked directly but bring “When Survivors Give Birth” with me and let them know it is available should they want to borrow it. I always say that we bring “all of us” to our birth, past and present. We are holistic beings.
I would love some more ideas as a childbirth educator and doula about how to walk with women through this process.
Hi Katie,
You are truly an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this and providing your insight and widsom…sweet Mama.
Love,
Helene
Thanks for the post, there is so little information out there for survivors when it comes to birth.
I was pregnant twice, terrified through my entire pregnancies – I knew I could not handle vaginal exams etc. after the initial examination at my first prenatal visit with my midwife. She noticed that something was wrong I guess (not being able to open my legs, me crying etc.) but never brought up anything. I was too fearful to bring up anything as I did not want to make her uncomfortable and due to the fact that there is about 5 minutes for a patient, how could I possibly tell this within the time limit.
I had no help to get me through this. No counseling. I browsed the internet for information, there is hardly anything at all. This is something nobody wants to talk about. The first birth went somewhat ok but it got bad when I got stitches. I was not in the present anymore but the 9 year old girl and unable to move or utter my fears just as back then. My midwife did not notice.
The second time around, I was even more petrified, knowing what the delivery actually meant. By then I had found the book Survivors give Birth but for some reason it made me even more fearful as my examples where given of what I consider ‘birth rape’.
Even now, about a year after the last birth, I am awake most of the time at night with fearful thoughts and flashbacks.
Your article is well written and gives some hope and guidance. I wish I would have read it before the birth of my children.
Thanks for opening up and making it possible to openly discuss this subject which is most often completely ignored during the education of OB/GYN’s, midwifes, L&D nurses as well as in the birth-blogging world and books & websites educating women about pregnancy labor & delivery.
@Jenny – I’m sorry! Have you considered looking into EMDR therapy to help you deal with what appears to be PTSD?
Thank you! I’m just starting to explore EMDR therapy…I’ve heard it can work miracles with PTSD
Thanks so much for your story, Jenny. It is exactly my hope that more mamas can read this before they give birth. I’m so sorry that your care provider didn’t provide you with enough time to share your story. It is hard enough, and 5 minutes is in no way enough time to work through that kind of stuff. I hope you find good support on your journey. I wish you peace and a good night’s sleep!
Healing is an ongoing journey, and I wish you much strength on yours.
I read this blog after looking for ways of emotionally preparing for childbirth. I’m 35 weeks and a member of the club, but had no idea that this was why I was worried about labor. I read somone else’s story & was in tears. That’s when it dawned on me, that even though I have dealt with the trama of my past, (& trama from doctors) deep down, something in me knew that this would be another situation where things going on “down there” would basically be out of my control. Further searching brought me here, & I’m so thankful!
At my appointment today, with my husband by my side, I opened up to my Dr. and explained to him my fear and anxiety. (I was so proud of myself for being able to talk about it w/o crying!) He reassured me that everything would be explained to me and that any requests I have will be taken seriously, as long as there is no harm to me or the baby. He said that the best thing to do is to talk about it with him & nurses ect.
I feel so much relief!
I feel so much more prepared to deliver my baby boy! My husband was so supportive of me, and that restored my faith in him as my birth coach! I had been worried that he would tell me I was being rediculous. He listened as I explained, best I could, my concerns that the birth may bring up things from the past, things that I can’t even remember. He assured me that he’ll be right there, be my voice & make sure that I am okay before any procedure is done.
Thank you, Katie, for sharing this! It helped me realize that it’s okay to feel the way I have been feeling! It also gave me the courage to talk to my doctor & voice my concerns.
To ANYONE out there who is feeling anxious, but not sure why, as a member of the club, or not, TALK about it!
Thank you for your story, Katie. This means a lot.
I’m now 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd girl. My first two deliveries were traumatic. I never understood why- I totally paniced. The last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking about giving birth again alot, since it’s coming very close. And it hit me; I’m a survivor, and I thought I had pretty much put the past behind me, but I still need to feel control over my body at all times. And that’s very hard during delivery, when I seemed to be overpowered, and yes, almost violated again. Reading all this just confirmded what I suspected…
I will try to talk to my midwife, maybe that will be a first step to finally experience a good delivery this time… I would love to be able to look back on giving birth in a positive way…
Inge
Melissa, you are so welcome! Thank you so much for sharing your story! And congratulations for having the courage to share with your care provider! I wish you the best in your birth process! Trust your body, trust your husband and know how powerful you are!
My vagina and vulva was injured during a childhood sexual assault and I’ve never felt able to birth children, I didn’t believe I could handle tearing there again. I also have ongoing pain from the damage that I never fully understood.
A couple of years ago, during a pap test I asked the woman doing the test if there were any scars. There were and she showed them to me. Later I took a photo of them so I could see them more easily. Somehow knowing those scars were there and seeing that they had healed made my unwillingness to have children make so much sense, even though I knew I’d been injured. It gave me more control over what happened. I am probably still not going to birth a baby for various reasons, but I think I could now.
Since you’re a doula, I have an idea for you – when I was looking for someone compassionate to examine my vagina and vulva for scarring, it was very hard to find someone I felt comfortable with and who would take the time. I’m guessing a lot of survivors would appreciate having a doula who gets it and is a survivor accompany them to their pap tests or other gyne exams or set up some sort of clinic day for survivors in partnership with a doctor. A lot of us don’t have gyne exams – I waited 8 years between exams once, which I know isn’t a great idea. I had a survivor roommate once who had sores on her vulva but was still unwilling to go to see a doctor.
Thanks for your article, I’m going to add it to my links list on my blog.
SDW
[…] I Will Survive (Thoughts on Survivors Giving Birth), Survivor Moms: The Healing Power of Birth, and Motherhood: The Evolution of a Survivor. Over half of all women are sexually abused at some point in their lives. This 3-part series addresses the challenging — and often, with good support, healing — journey that sexual abuse survivors face as they become mothers. If you are a Survivor Mom, Survivor Mom-to-Be, or are providing birth support to a woman with a history of abuse, you may find When Survivors Give Birth: Understanding and Healing the Effects of Early Sexual Abuse on Childbearing Women by doula grand dame Penny Simkin to be illuminating and helpful. (Mother’s Advocate) […]
Thank you so much. Yes, I think having a doula accompany women on well-woman exams, pap tests, as well as things like fertility procedures (IUI, etc) could be very helpful. All of those things feel so different when women feel safe. Thank you for your share, and I wish you much healing. Just so you know, I have seen women give birth beautifully through scar tissue of all kinds, so if that is something you desire, it could be very possible.
I would love to hear how your birth went! Thinking of you,
Katie
[…] I Will Survive (Thoughts on Survivors Giving Birth) […]
I’m a survivor of incest, softcore version : nothing was inserted in me. I’m a mother of 3. Having sex has always been a bit tricky, and I’ve always dreaded ob-gyn visits – but giving birth itself was not triggering in any way. My first time I felt mostly pain, when that was gone with the epidural I was just waiting, in love for the baby, and the midwife treated my body with respect. Nobody put his/her hands inside me – what a horrible thing to do ! The blod clots go away the normal route, naturally, when left alone ; what was done to me is pressing on the belly to make the uterus resorb real nice, it’s from outside and it doesn’t feel icky, and then the stitches of the episiotomy – which I didn’t feel much because of the epidural.
If I had known I could have been subjected to someone putting his/her hands into me, I wouldn’t have gone to that hospital. It’s frightening. It’s rape.
I’ve never heard either that moms would be restrained during a ceasarean. Now, waking up from general anesthesia, people are indeed restrained, until their right mind comes back to them, because they could tear up their wounds without knowing what they are doing – but for partial anesthesia it sounds pretty barbaric… And restraining a mother-to-be like a criminal ? What world is this ?
I just found this, almost a year after my planned c-section as a survivor. I chose to have cesarean and I am very glad I did. Although the physical recovery was tough, I did not have to relive my trauma. Even the thought of a vaginal delivery was too much too bear, no matter how I tried to confront it, think of it, etc.
I read Penny Simkin’s book, did the trigger sheet, and realizing what would happen during a vaginal delivery, I worked with my midwife to plan a birth that was least traumatizing to me with an OB. She also attended. And it was definitely the right choice for me.
It is interesting, I felt the same feeling as you did after your empowering birth. I felt I had been reborn, like someone pressed the reset button. Interesting that empowerment comes in many forms in birthing. It was only through careful thought, consultation and therapy that I was able to decide on a c-birth and I am so glad I did! It was right for me! I never fear surgery, like you, but feared having the baby in my vagina would trigger too many memories of the incest I endured. I was so happy to keep my vagina safe. It had great symbolic value to me. I really felt like a virgin again…
i think there really needs to me more prenatal counseling and information about this. Penny’s book is really the only resource I know of. I knew a vaginal birth would have been too much for me, and I knew I would have not been able to be emotionally-present to my son’s birth. I never regret.
Thanks for sharing you story. We all have different triggers and experiences.
Thank you, Aster, for sharing your story. I think the most important thing is that women feel they can give birth with choices and a feeling of safety, and it sounds like you did exactly that! Great work! And welcome to the sweet world of mothering a son. It has been an extra level of healing for me to love a little tiny sweet man from day one of his life. A vision of where all men begin. Again, congratulations on giving birth powerfully and keeping your body safe.
As I watched so many beautiful and peaceful births on youtube and other sources, I could never quite understand why I was incapable of having such a beautiful birth experience. I was sitting down with a midwife prospect yesterday and after I was done sharing my past 4 birth experiences she looked at me and asked me if I had sexual abuse in my past. Why on earth was she asking that? What did that have to do with anything? The answer is yes. Not something I share with people I know, much less people I have just met! I was molested as a baby/toddler by my grandfather. I have no memory of it happening but I remember the pain of trying to urinate once and my Father being frantic. They put him in a nursing home shortly thereafter. I am still processing the counseling this midwife gave me yesterday. Suddenly it all made perfect sense. Why I always felt panic and complete helplessness and birth was something that “happened to me” instead of something “I was doing”. I’m expecting baby #5 and I’m apprehensive now. I am just beginning my journey to understanding the healing that needs to take place before I face this next birth. Thank you for this article. I didn’t know such trauma existed. I never understood what was keeping me from having a happy birth. Now I know I’m not alone.
Dear Katie,
I posted a comment on February 22, 2011 at 1.00 PM.I was a bit naive when I entered my (full) name. Now I realised that if people should google me,they know a bit too much… Is it possible for you to remove my name (or, if necessary, the whole post)?
Thank you…
And by the way, my 3rd delivery was a great success thanks to being completely honest with my midwife about my past. She totally pulled me through it, and I finally had a great delivery, without any medicine, in the bathtub!
IV
[…] is different. I also can’t recommend highly enough the Mother’s Advocaate blog post “Thoughts on Survivors Giving Birth”. This can give a good starting point for figuring out a plan for getting your needs met […]
Everyone loves it when folks come together and share views.
Great website, keep it up!
I know this is 2.5 years after you wrote this, but I just found it and I needed to find it! It’s surprising how little info is available about this when clearly it is an issue for so many women. I’m not pregnant yet but have been dealing with a lot of fertility testing and procedures and it has really “put my healing to the test” so far. I can’t tell you how encouraging it is to hear how worth it this difficult journey has been for you; I hope to have a similarly empowering, beautiful experience if and when I do get to give birth. Thank you for being brave enough to write this!
Hi Katie, I was shocked to read that strapping down hands during C section is common in the US. I live in the UK and this is not done here. Indeed I was told by my local hospital that it s not allowed and they thought I was joking when I told them this is done in the US. Strapping down women is also a very dangerous practice. If you have someone who is claustrophobic, nervous or someone with mental health problems or the frightened teenager giving birth, it can have a lasting effect on their mental health. I don’t understand why the medical board or whoever regulates healthcare over there has not put a stop to this. Something needs to be done to abolish it.
Jenny.
It’s also worth reading Midwifery UK for anyone who is having or might be having a C Section in the UK. Over here tying down of hands is not done and thee is also the option to have a general anaesthetic instead of spinal.
My name is Maries Scott. Am here to testify of a great and powerful spell caster named “Dr.Unity” of Unityspelltemple@gmail.com I was so confused and devastated when my boyfriend left me for another girl. I needed him back desperately because i loved him so much. So i contacted this great spell caster for a help. He helped me cast a return love spell on him and just within 28 hours my boyfriend came back to me crying and begging for my forgiveness. I want to recommend this great spell caster to anyone that truly needs an urgent solution to his or her broken relationships and marriage. Simply contact the great “Dr.Unity” via email: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com or call him on his mobile number: +2348072370762.